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RUB62-11
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1996-10-27
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5KB
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92 lines
Copyright 1996(c)
IT'S THE STUPID ECONOMY, STUPID
Bob Dole Rap. And cut. Ruby on the Campagne Regale
A Ruby D. Begonia Pearl
"Shouda got Jim Carville," said Ruby, sashaying down the aisle
of Bob Dole's campaign plane to the blaring notes of Devil With a
Blue Dress on. In fact, he guessed he'd read her lips rather than
heard her because when he turned to his aide and said "what's
that?" the aide had responded "what's what?"
Dole looked back at Ruby and again at the aide, who evidenced
no concern that a strange woman was bopping toward them down the
aisle.
Egad, it was that Begonia woman. She must have been wired for
sound, because she snapped her fingers and the music stopped,
although it was a few seconds before her hips did. She jiggled a
bit and then spoke.
"It's jus' you and me, Bobby," she said. "He," flicking the
auburn locks over her shoulder, "can't see me." She took a seat and
the slithery sound of fishnet-clad hose brushing against one
another filled the room as she crossed her legs. The silver leather
miniskirt was firmly tugged down even as the sequin boustierre was
tugged skyward. Some sort of indefinable Harley motorbike parts at
the end of long dangly chains hung from her ears and thunked
against her breastbone. Her nails were done in psychedelic colors
of three-quarter-inch length and one of them had a nose ring. She
was the least likely-looking of presidential-aspirant advisers.
"Jim Carville," she said, "could have straightened you right
out."
Dole first looked to see if Liddy was there to answer.
Satisfied he would have to do it for himself, he said: "Carville
is a Democratic-advisor."
"I think he's a business-man,--sort of like a paid negotiator
who has no interest except in his own fee," said Ruby. "He's just
one step away from the feeling, I say, but he's close so it counts.
'Sides, his sympathies don't matter none. I'm here to talk about
saving your buns so Kemp can be Prez," said Ruby.
"Thank you, no," said Dole.
"Oh, this ain't a pick a door-number, bub. You don't get no
right of refusal. Your problem is you ain't got a issue and you
ain't entertainin'," said Ruby. "You musta' told that 'call from
the lawyer in the middle of the fall' joke six times, and I never
did hear a reference to Jerry Lewis nor Gerald Ford, once. Who's
writin' your material?" she asked. "I got a friend named Kent
Ballard--" she said, claiming a relationship Kent liked to think
of as "the bad times, when he used to drink."
"I'm doing fine," said Dole.
"Y'er not movin' yer bloomin arse, Doler," said Ruby, "and
everybody knew you wouldn't. Whatta'ya, got the fever? If so, an'
you're going on with this farce, I think we ought to get you a
costume."
"Woman, are you insane?" Dole demanded.
"Sir?" said his aide.
"Coughing," said Dole, and did so, twice.
"Come with me, quietly," said Ruby, leading the way to a row
of back sats. "You want them to start wonderin' about you, too?"
she asked, indicating his companions.
He did so, and Ruby wised him up.
"Look-it, Jimmy said it's the economy, stupid, and he said a
mouthful. It is and it will be. You ain't got no economic issue,
so you got to pull a stunt.
"Buy 'em all a McDonald's burger and tell them that it cost
a total of whatever and that is representative of how much Bill
spends on beards every year," said Ruby.
"Hmmmm, the beards thing is a little harsh, but I might find
a program somewhere that's getting bogus funds," said Dole.
"That's the spirit," said Ruby, "and until you do, I'm gonna
teach you some moves to keep their attention," she said, switching
Devil With a Blue Dress On into throbbing volume.
He tried Ruby's scheme with the burgers and it worked in
Indianapolis. In Idaho, when they booed him, he did the Macarena.
"See," said Ruby, when he was pictured in the headlines, arms
twined around his body, his hips in full twitch, "I told you you'd
get press."
"But, but, this race is about character," said Dole. "I look
like a dancing clown," he said, frowning at his photograph.
"Don't be a doob," said Ruby. "You can tell 'em all that stuff
about character after you get elected. In the meantime, just keep
dancing."
Dole, of course, lost. Ruby went around with a sandwich sign
that said:
If you wanna beat Bill
get Carville.
"I'm gonna have to run for something," Dole told his campaign
manager. "See if Carville will switch parties. See how much trouble
it is if I have to. Don't get into a character debate.
"And see if you can get a tape of that Macarena-thing, just
in case."
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